Friday, October 3, 2014

What Other People Think

Just read this post on A in Sobriety about external validation. That is one of the biggest things I struggle with. When I feel self-hatred, it is often because I care so much about what other people think, and can't make myself stop caring even though I know I should. I know it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks.  I know I shouldn't take things personally, because what people say is as much (or more) about them than it is about me. I know all that, and yet...I still care.

My ex-husband used to tell me all the time that I cared too much about what other people thought. He hated that about me.  I hate that about me, too.

I know it isn't just me. I know other people do it. Most people do. Does everyone? Did my ex-husband only put on a big act that he didn't care what other people thought, but really he did, and in criticizing me for it, he was doing that thing we all do with the speck in our neighbor's eye and the plank in our own? Was he projecting his own self-hatred onto me, because he hated the fact that he cared what people thought, too? Or am I overthinking it, and he really was free of that problem but the fact that I had it just bugged the shit out of him?

If it wasn't a problem for a lot of people, there wouldn't be articles like this or this or this or this.   It's not just me. But it still sucks that it is me.

Update:  ....or this, on being worthy.


  1. I think we all do care about that. To different levels, of course. I care a lot less than how I used to be, but I have my days. External validation is still a tough one for me, but I chip away at it ever so slowly. I don't need gazzillions of accolades or pats on the back to get me through the day. I don't have to manipulate people to say nice things about me. I don't have to feel that I don't exist unless other people tell me I do. But don't get me wrong - I have my

    It's a journey, and we make our way through the idea that we aren't good enough to a place where we start to feel that we ARE good enough. And that's when the idea of seeking external validation starts to dwindle.

    That's been my experience. :)


    1. Thanks, Paul. Nice to hear that it's gotten better for you. I think it's getting a little better for me, but the progress is indeed S.....L....O.....W....!